My sheets look like a crime scene.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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