Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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