the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
