I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
