Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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