also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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