also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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