i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
