What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
