If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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