I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
