well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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