i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
