Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
