Got a toothbrush?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
