the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
