you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
