I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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