the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
