she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
