Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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