I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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