I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
