my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
