just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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