I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
