The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
