If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
