so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
