Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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