Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
