My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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