Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
