Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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