6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
