Jerry, you need to find god
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
