6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
