its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
