The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Randomize
