I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
