did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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