Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
