My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
