in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
