Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
