My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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