I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
