k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
