a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
