So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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