I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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