Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
