I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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