why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
