Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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