I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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